Only Time will tell I guess...

I know I haven't blog in awhile alot of things are going on. The boys stay busy with school, karate, and football. The past couple of weeks I have been going to the gym with my sister and I love the quality time with her. This week hasn't been to good for me. Every morning I would get ready and go to the gym workout and do a class each day, but this week I haven't felt like do anything. I have been missing Jason like crazy. Yesterday was 9months since his death, as time goes by it feels like its getting worse. I miss Jason more and more everyday. I miss his smile and laughter. He was the only one who could make me so mad but than turn around and make me laugh. He had so much life and it was cut so short. Its just so lonely in this quiet house, I just wish that he would come running in the house and say tricked you if only wishes came true. I have got to realize that he's not coming back and I will see him again but its just hard waiting on that day to come. I know I am being Debbie Downer but its just how I have been feeling lately. I know I should get out of the house and go about my day with the gym but I just don't feel like it right now. Its lonely in this house but right now I think I should be by myself right now to think things through. Only Time will tell I guess......

Letter from Jason...

Letter from Jason from Heaven

January 20 2010

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me

Thanks Daddy for sending this to me. I know its lonely here at the house but I know that I have a special angel looking over me and the boys. Cant wait to see Jason again.

Memories through Time

We were together for many years
We became as one
It was like I had your blood running through my veins
We could read each others thoughts
Finish each others sentences
Without saying a word
There is so much I'd like to change
But I can't turn back the hands of time
Your memory will always be apart of me and my heart
I still talk to you
And wonder if you hear
Sometimes I can feel you near
Even in my dreams
My heart can't say good-bye
For it's afraid your memory will die
A part of my heart is with you
And it's yours to keep
Now that you are gone
I'm left to stand alone

BY: PATRICIA CONNER LOVELACE

I have never wanted so bad for Jesus to come back and take his children. I'm ready for the boys and myself to reunite with Jason once again. I use to love life but since Jason was taking away from me I have no desire for evil world. My focus are my kids. I love them dearly and without them I would crumble. I have no interest in things I did before. Since Jason was taking away I have laughter in my life. Its like I want to think and talk about him but he hurts so bad to do. I don't want to go to his grave, and I know I should take the boys up there but I just cant go up there. I don't want to think of Jason in a grave because hes not there hes in heaven and I want to be with him. So I will go on this in world without Jason and take care of the boys, lead them to Jesus so we can be a family up in heaven once again.

Jason, We'll never forget you

Today is Jason's birthday May 20, 2010, he would have been 26 but its his first birthday in heaven. Its a celebration of his short but wonderful life. Not going to be sad, but so Thankful that I spent the last 6 years of his life. Jason was the most energetic person I knew, he tried to be big and bad but alot of people don't know that he had a soft and big heart for people. The years that we were together he grew into a wonderful husband and daddy. He was a child at heart and I guess that why kids just loved him. His 3 precious boys worshipped the ground he walked on. That was their role model and still want to be just like their daddy. I asked them last night what they missed about their daddy and they replied "Fighting", "Wrestling on the floor", and "Bath Time". What I remember the most about Jason was when Jason and the boys would take a bath and Jason would holler at me to get the boys out. When I would come into the bathroom Jason would be pouring cold water on them. Ha! Then I would get the towels and wrap around the boys then Jason would say "I'm next." He wanted me to get him out too. Gah I love him so much and I know he loved me and the boys. Like all relationship we fought and had some trouble times but we worked at them and got very close through those trials. We had to grow up fast, and we stuck by each other and that is why we were so close. I also remember him venting to me, and that was a everyday thing for him. Someone done made him mad and all he wanted to do was talk. That's another thing he like to do was talk. I can remember many nights we would go outside to smoke and he would just talk, talk, and talk about anyone and everything. I do miss our talks. Alot people didn't take him seriously but he was very smart and knew what he was doing. The other thing I missed about him he didn't care what you thought of him, he dressed the way he wanted, acted the way he wanted, and if you didn't like him oh well. He was himself and that's another reason why we got alone cause we didn't care to impress people or suck up to people. I do believe that Jason and I were soul mates and he was my BEST FRIEND. On May 24, it would be 7yrs. I wanted to be with him until we were old and gray and I guess that why I still don't think its fair that our time was cut short but its all according to God's Plan. Jason loved his family, until now there wasn't a day that we didn't see each other. We enjoyed each others company and another memory I have was when we were dating and it snowed really bad, he drove all the way from boiling springs to Pauline with snow and ice just to see me. I will cherish the love that we had for each other. When Jason was in the hospital and his nurse Marcia would come in the room and talk to us at night and she told me that I should have kept a journal of our life together and write a book. That doesn't mean I'm going to write a book but I will share that with our 3 boys one day. Our boys are my life right now so I don't have time for anything else. They are my main priority and I will always put them first. Jason loved his boys so much they were his life and was so proud of them. I'm glad that I can talk to J.C. and Carson about their daddy cause they remember so much about him, the way he walks, talks, and even how he use to put his t-shirt on. So we planted his favorite tree weeping willow in the front yard of my parents house. That tree is for them. So every year on his birthday they can look at that tree in memory of their daddy but not just for his birthday but everyday. I know alot of people was touch by Jason's story they tell me all the time but not only strangers but his family. I have learned so much through him and learned about myself as well. Life is so short so spend the time with your friends and family tell them how much you love and care for them. Don't take your family for granted because we are not promised tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday: Best Friends Always

A VOID

As I seat here all I can think about is Jason. I miss him so much. He was my best friend the one I talk to about everything. He knew me more than I knew myself. Sometimes I just sit here and start to say something then I look around and Jason isn't there to talk to. I miss our long talks outside and our talks in the car. He was a very special person to me. I'm at peace with this because I know Jason loved me so much and I loved him. We had that special bond that nobody could ever break. I just miss the times with him. We had some of the greatest times together and we have been through alot. We got married and started a family together at a young age so we had to grow up faster than anyone our age. Alot of people didn't think we would have made it so long but Hey we showed them. We been together 7 years, I wish I would have grown old with him and I guess that's what makes it so hard. Our time here together was cut short, his time with the boys was cut short of the stupid Graph thing. I miss our time being a family. We had a beautiful family and I am so thankful that God put me and Jason together to have 3 beautiful and precious boys in the world. I miss his crazy tail making me laugh, and the boys. I loved when he would get hyper and start jumping on me while I was on the couch and say "JUMP ON THE CROC" or "ROLL OVER" and my favorite "I CREATED THIS TREND" gah I have so many memories of him but I don't wont memories I want Jason.

A VOID

What can fill that empty space
That seems a hollow pit.
When something there is missing
And nothing seems to fit.

How do you fill the emptiness
And satisfy the inner hunger;
When all in life has left you starved
But no where's found the answer.

Outside yourself, you start to look
But still there stands the void.
The little things you used to love,
No longer seen enjoyed.

Don't talk to me of Jesus,
For I'm his and he is mine,
but even though I know him;
I'm still not feeling fine.

Tomorrow, I'll go searching,
And tell you what I find
But if my search should prove in vain;
It will have satisfied my mind.

Berry Lonely

Well as you ALL know that Valentines was yesterday. The most romantic day of the year. Whatever. I'm so glad when Jason was alive we didn't go all out for this day. We loved each other everyday and NOT just because of this day. This is the first Valentine without my love. It was a very lonely day. As I go to church I see all these husbands hugging and putting their arms around their wives and I just wanted Jason to be there for this special day even though we didn't celebrate this day. I wanted to sit beside my husband and hold his hand and can tell him that I love him just one more time. I do believe that Jason was with me through this day because Preacher Rob sung Ill fly away at the Valentines Dinner and after He got through the light that was over the table went out. That was my Jason there with me on that day. Then after I came home and went to sleep I had this dream of Jason where he had a second chance for one day. We spend the whole day with each other talking, snuggling, and hugging. So that was my special Valentines. I had the best dream and hope that I can continue that dream. If only dream could come true. I know alot of wives(including myself) take their husbands for granted but if you love someone please tell them all the time how much they mean to you and love them with all your heart. Life is short and you dont know what you got into its gone. I ♥ U Jason. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

My Blog-second Journal

I have a journal that I write in everyday at any moment of the day to express my feelings. It's actually helping me out with the different stages that I'm going through this days: anger, sadness, lonely, and laughter. I think everyone should have a journal not only as time like these but just a daily reminder of how you feel or felt each day. I wish I would have a journal when Jason and I started dating and all the trials and happiness that we had through the years. To be honest I could have wrote a book on us and it would probably be a best seller. Ha! Ha! Some people don't know what we have went through at such young age. We both had to grow real quick to face some of the things we have went through and it made us stronger. Anyways I know I'm just rambling on and on but as I write in personal journal book that nobody knows my feelings but I also like to express it on my blog. My blog is my journal. The certain things that I want my friends and family to know( not everything.) I know when Kathy and I was at the social security office today we both shared some of our feelings about Jason and it felt good. Cause me and her have something in common we are hurting knowing that the day before Jason went into ICU that was the last time that we got to really talk and spend time with him before he died. It hurts us so bad that we didn't get to have the proper goodbye that we wanted like the simply 3 words I LOVE YOU (its take for granted). I don't know about her (shes prob. feels the same way) but it hurts that the Jason we knew and loved wasn't in that ICU and that's our last image of him. I have never been the one to express my feelings y'all can ask anyone but Its helping me cope with the different emotions that I'm going through. Some days I feel like screaming, crying, laughing about him, or completely lonely at times knowing I have a great support system. I'm so Thankful for my family and friends. I have the BEST people around and they just let me "do what I do" as Jason would say. I'm going to have my Good and Bad days so future warning don't be surprise what you see on my Blog (my journal to my friends.) I just want everyone to know that I love each and everyone of y'all and I'm so happy that I'm can confined in y'all through my blog.

Broken Heart

My minding is racing and I can't sleep just thinking about Jason. Since Jason passed I have been in my own little world, a trance, in shock, hoping this is some kind of nightmare but I cant seem to wake up. Its real He's gone. My best friend is gone. The one who is my comfort, my shield, my soul mate is gone. I will never see him in this lifetime, to grow old with, to raise the kids with. Jason, my booger, my rock, pooter, and my everything is gone. Memories are flashing through my head but the only thing I can think of is his last week alive. Helpless in the hospital, can't walk, hands and feet swollen, in ICU, not talking, and that wasn't Jason. I can't get those images out of my hand. Jason and I had so many memories of laughter and good times. I want to remember that Jason not the one I saw in hospital but I can't help it. I just hope and pray that I will get to that point. I want Jason back, I know I sound selfish but he was my heart my whole world. I lost my best friend, my heart. Its not fair, life is not fair. A young man with a family who loved life and the people that was in it is gone. Lord help to understand why things happen the way that they do and give me strength and courage to face each day. I miss you so much Jason and love you always.

Precious Memories: Miss My Jason

Never Alone

Never Alone
by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long waited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was taught to me, will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

Pray Hard

Right now Jason is VERY VERY sick and I want everyone to say Prayer for him.

God Please I want you to take him by the hand, stay close to him, heal his body, I know you have a plan for him, I know with you by him side all things are possible. Amen.

Its New Year..

Its a NEW YEAR 2010 "a fresh start to a new beginning" things are going to be alot different this year. I have made my goals in the previous post and I will stick by them. First and foremost, I pray that God will heal Jason's body and make him stronger that he once was and so he can come home and put the past behind him. I'm so thankful that God gave me Jason. He's my life, my rock, and my best friend. I pray that God will give him a wonderful new year fill with nothing but Joy and Happiness. I also that this will open his eyes for the good and not the bad. I'm so proud of him and all that he has went through.

As the New Year ball was dropping I couldn't wait to see the 2010. Its here and I'm loving it. I have a good feeling about this year and I know that good things are going to happen for the Williams family. I'm going to stay positive for me and my family and let go of the negative. I know that God puts people in certain situations to either show you or others. God knows what he is doing and he chose Jason to endure this so he could reach others. Well he reached me, I'm not perfect I fall short everyday but it showed me that I need to change some things in my life.

Kathy, my mama, and myself brought in the New Years with Jason. It was a very special moment for all of us. He wasn't feeling good hes in alot of pain though hes kidneys are improving so that's a plus sign. Yeah thats right I'm back in Charleston,YaY I'm refresh. I'm so thankful that Kathy stayed with Jason while I was gone to spend time with the boys. I need that break and thankful that someone was willing to help so I can get some much needed rest. It was very hard leaving the boys behind it was starting to feel semi-normal for them being at home with their mama. They didn't want me to leave and of course I cried like a baby. Well I hope everyone had a Happy New Year!!!

Praise God

I am so excited right now and so ready for some good news to come our way. Kathy(Jason's mama) called about 5mins ago. THe dr. came in and was so excited and couldn't wait to tell the good news. She said that JASON IS 100% LEUKEMIA FREE and all that was in Jason's body was Ashlee(Jason sisters)'s cells. Praise God I'm so thankful for all the prayers and support from everyone. All Jason has to do now is get through the recovery. I'm so proud of Jason, he has been through so much and his body has been through so much and I'm so happy that he got some good news so he can fight even harder now. God is Good, ALL the time, ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD.

Merry Chrismas!!

J.C. , Carson, and Brayden had a wonderful Christmas this year the only thing that was missing(the most important) was their daddy not being there. Jason is still in the hospital at MUSC recovering. It was very hard enjoying this wonderful time without the Man of the house here. We always have such a good time with Jason at Christmas but he HAS to stay in the hospital so he can enjoy the next 50+ Christmases with us. Christmas Eve, the kids were so excited that they couldn't go to sleep. They left cookies and milk out for him and wrote notes to Santa. Finally around 12am they were all asleep, so Santa finally came to the house. They woke up around 7:30am for the big surprise that SANTA CAME. They were so SURPRISED of what Santa brought them it was so exciting to see them so EXCITED. Then we headed to my Grandma Dot to have breakfast with aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was so good. We laughed and laughed like always but did have a sadness in my heart knowing that Jason was in the hospital. After that, the kids and I headed to mamas house to play with toys and I helped some with the cooking. Yeah Me!!! I helped cook can you believe that? The family came over ate and exchanged gifts. It seemed like Christmas just came and went so fast this year. I cant wait till next year so we can have Jason to spend it with.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

My booger Jason...

Jason is having a rough time in the hospital.The graph vs host is rough on him we joke about it saying that him and Ashlee are fussing and fighting in there and looks like shes winning. The Dr. think he might have infection somewhere so they are putting him on antibiotics. He's been complaining about his hips hurting and we all thought that maybe when he passed out he fractured his pelvic bone. They took an x-ray but came back normal and said something about giving him a MRI to get a better view of it but the Dr. said that the high dose of steroid is pushing his white blood count and that's why he has so much pain in his hips. He also is complaining about his stomach, it gets tight and cramps up. The Dr. also told him that if he starts taking pill form for his pain and start eating and moving around than he should get out of the hospital the 1st of the year. Oh the stories he will tell his kids and grand kids, I just feel so sorry for him, his body has been through alot. It tears me up when I heard him crying and moaning cause of his pain. Just keep on praying for him. He's gotten this far with the power of prayer lets just keep praying and get him through this rough bump