Trouble Times Three Plus Me

It seems like January is such a hard month for me. It will be 2 years Jan. 20th since Jasons death. I go back and think of the time we spent in the hospital in charleston. He was in so much pain and pretty much suffering the couple of weeks before he died. At night before i go to sleep i start thinking what he went through and how hard he was fighting to stay here. I go back and think about the last night of his life being in that room and watching the life flow out of his body. At first i was selfish and wanted him to fight through all the pain just so he can stay with us but i know now hes in a better place and now im jealous of him. Hes in heaven no more suffering and pain. It was God 's will to take him so early and now im starting to understand it. I just hate it for the boys. They miss him so much and talk about him everyday. Poor brayden hes so confused,  he calls everyone daddy. I will keep Jasons memory alive for my boys. I need to start taking them to Jasons grave more. I just hate going over there it just makes me hurt more but i need to quit being so selfish and go for the boys.